The struggle is real..
No joke..losing weight has been the hardest thing for me. Whether it’s eating healthy, getting to the gym, motivation, self-care, etc. I’m always struggling with something. I mean I definitely don’t think I’m the only one aboard the struggle bus, but during my everyday life…it most certainly feels like it.
Just a little background on me… I have dealt with weight/body issues my entire life. I remember the first time I ever looked at myself and didn’t like what I saw. I was 7, sitting next to my dad in church, when I happened to look down at my knees. I immediately thought to myself that something was wrong with me! Like what is wrong with my knees, why do they look so big and weird? Why don’t they look like the other little girls? Right then, I let comparison to others distract me from accepting and loving myself. At such a young age I was comparing my body to others and realized that I was not pretty enough, good enough, smart enough, funny enough, etc. What an awful feeling at 7 years old.
That experience was just the beginning of the long road ahead of me called “self-hate”. Ironically, I hate the word hate. It’s just a harsh way to explain the way you feel. To me, hate means that you could care less if that “thing” you hate, lives or dies. What’s awful to admit, is that too often I have come to the point where I really didn’t care less if I lived or died. I hated myself and body so much that I honestly got to the point where one more day living with this body was too much for me to handle. If it wasn’t for God, my mother, and my family, I honestly do not know what would have happened to me.
Starting and stopping the journey to weight loss has been something I’ve done way too many times in my life. It wasn’t until October 28, 2017 that I finally had that moment where I knew I had to change my way of living. It honestly felt like I finally woke up. I realized that on a daily basis, I continuously fight myself to be happy, to love myself, and to live the way God intended me to. For so long I believed that I wasn’t pretty enough, good enough, smart enough, funny enough, etc. that I honestly just thought that living the way I had been for so long was literally the only way to live. I couldn’t fight off the darkness that surrounded me. I eventually gave in and accepted that I’m going to live this life that I most of the time hate. I cannot pin point what it was in that moment in October that my mind switch flipped, but I do know that it was God led. Since then, He has continuously been opening my mind and teaching me how to rely on him to fight my battles. He’s been guiding me to self-love and acceptance for the person He created in me.
I’ve been slowly making changes in my life since then and will continuously do so throughout my life. I have come to realize that this life I’m living is a journey and living in a healthy way is a lifestyle change, not a temporary fix. My goodness it has been hard. I have been back and forth more than I would like with my diet, exercise, mental health, etc. I have had extremely bad days where I have totally felt like giving up was the only option I had left. I have had very good days, where looking at myself in the mirror wasn’t something that I dreaded doing. Those days are what pushes me forward. I’ve never been able to look at the body that I’ve hated for so long and actually feel love for it. I have not lost much weight and only a few inches in size, but because of the mentality I’m working towards, I’m able to learn to love myself. I also have days where I am so emotionally drained from work, the last thing I want to do is get dressed and go to the gym. Most of the time I still make myself get up and go, but there are times too where I just cannot do it.
I also have weeks like this past week where the darkness that I know so well, creeps into my life and consumes every part of my being. My body aches, my heart aches, and my mind is shot. I get so overwhelmed but these feelings of doom that all my energy goes into just getting by until that darkness fades and light starts to peek through. To me, getting by doesn’t always include eating healthy, working out, reading, writing, and/or enjoying the things I love. Getting by, means barely getting out of bed and making it to work on time, barely keeping my eyes open while I’m there, struggling to get up the stairs after work and start dinner, not being able to get off the couch to take a shower before I go to bed, and then when bedtime comes, not being able to close my eyes and fall asleep.
It is also days like to today where I finally start to see some type of light peeking through. A voice calling to me and telling me it’s going to be okay. A time where I’m actually able to push myself to do something more than just get through the day. I was able to get ready, look at myself, and feel okay with being me today. It’s hard work to change a lifestyle, to learn to love yourself, and to surrender to God the battles you face. Have I fully conquered those things, I flippin wish! What’s important is that I’m trying. I’m putting forth effort because I know there is a much greater life to live than what I’m living now.
For I know the plans for you says the Lord. They are plans for good and not evil, to give you hope and a future
I know that to get to where I’m going I have to put my trust in the Lord and believe in his word. I have to believe that he does have such a greater future planned for me than I can even imagine. I just have to listen and work hard. It’s small steps that make the biggest difference. I mean I’m posting this today and heck I’ve been writing it for almost 3 months. Yay progress!! haha 🙂
Thanks for reading and feel free to comment or email me if you too are dealing with something similar. We all need words of encouragement!